Me
When I was a boy, there was this cartoon called Tooter Turtle. He was this nerdy little reptile who wore glasses, and he always wanted to be somebody else. He had this friend, a mentor, named Mr. Wizard the Lizard, a reptile cum wizard complete with a robe, a pointy hat, pince-nez specs and, of course, his magic wand.
Tooter would watch a TV show on cowboys and he’d wanna be a cowboy. He’d see a fire and rescue and wanna be a fireman. Tooter, you see, was a wannabe.
So he’d get a hold of Mr. Wizard, who lived in a cardboard box at the bottom of a tree, and he’d ask to get to be a World War I fighter ace or a bullfighter. And then the wizard would ask, in his Yiddish accent: “Are you sure, Tooter, you want to do this?”
And Tooter would answer that, yeah, yeah, yeah, he was sure he wanted to. And Mr. Wizard would wave his wand and send Tooter through this afterlife-like tunnel and he’d become a skydiver or a baseball star or anything but who and what he already was.
You know how the story ends, right? Tooter gets in way over his head and pretty soon he’s getting shot at or falls out of the sky and he yells Help, Mr. Wizard! Mr. Wizard!
And you hear the Wizard’s voice (and I’m going to go to Copyright Hell for this) say “Drizzle, drazzle, druzzle, drome, time for this one to come home.” And Tooter spins back through the time vortex and lands back under the tree, like it was all a bad dream.
And Tooter tells the wizard that he’s learned his lesson. Mr. Wizard says: “Tooter, Tooter, always I tell you: be just what you is, not what you is not. Folks what do this is the happiest lot.”
I think sometimes that I’m a lot like Tooter. I want to be somebody I’m not, maybe something I’m not cut out for. I’ve tried on lots of careers, and sometimes I got in over my head.
I remember when I was in 7th grade, and I’d just discovered girls. My hormones were coming online, and Mrs. Snelson, my homeroom teacher, said: “Mr. Just, you are getting too big for your britches.”
I rebelled against what she said. Too big for your britches. Who does she think she is? What I really meant was: Doesn’t she know who I am?
Way back then, Mr. Wizard and Mrs. Snelson told me everything I needed to know. Too bad I didn’t listen. I would’ve saved myself from law school. And acting. And screenwriting. Oy! A wise friend one said that everything he ever learned, he learned in kindergarten.
Maybe we’re all like that. And this life’s like one of Tooter’s misadventures. And after we die, we wake up, and Mr. Wizard the Lizard’s standing over us. And we say—
“Wow! I just had the wildest dream.”
And the Wizard stands there, grinning, nodding.
“I dreamt I went to this place where I could be anything I wanted. I tried everything. I tried every suit on. I looked everywhere, but I still wasn’t happy. I thought I’d never wake up.”
And the Wizard will nod and say: “You always find what you’re looking for in the last place you look.”
“Everything I ever learned, I learned in kindergarten.”
“That’s a book, you know?”
“It is?”
“Sure. Your friend did not invent that title.”
“Will he go to Copyright Hell for stealing it?”
“There is no Copyright Hell. You been on the internet lately? Sheesh! But, there is Trademark Purgatory.”
“You believe in purgatory?”
“What can I say? I lifted it from the Catholics.”
“Hmm, there is purgatory.”
He nodded. “Do not take the name of Michael Jordan in vain, my friend,” he warned with a wag of his wand.
“Well, I guess I’d like to go back, and meet that blonde in The Big Sleep.”
“Lauren Bacall?”
“Mmm-hmm.”
“She’s too big for ya.”
“Well, looks like I’ll be calling you to get me out of my next jam, then,” I said.
He waved his wand. The next instant, I found myself spinning down that vortex, headed for Bogart’s office and a rendezvous with a tall, slinky drink with the husky voice.
© 2022 by Michael C. Just
Mike’s novel, The Dirt: The Journey of a Mystic Cowboy, is available in softcover or eBook formats through Amazon.
You can purchase the book through this website. Or go straight to amazon at https://www.amazon.com/s?k=the+dirt+journey+of+a+mystic+cowboy&crid=1S40Q4BXSUWJ6&sprefix=the+dirt%3A+journey+of+a+m%2Caps%2C180&ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_23
Mike’s other titles, including The Crippy, The Mind Altar, and Canyon Calls, are available through this website or through Amazon at https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B002
Four of his short stories have recently been published online:
Lies, Ltd. has been published by The Mystery Tribune @ Lies, Ltd.: Literary Short Fiction by Michael C. Just (mysterytribune.com)
The Obligate Carnivore has been published by the Scarlet Leaf Review @ Category: MICHAEL JUST – SCARLET LEAF REVIEW
I See You, Too has been published by the 96th of October @ I See You, Too – 96th of October
Offload, a short story about a man who can heal any disease, is now live and can be read at The Worlds Within at Offload – The Worlds Within