Sometimes, I get pissed at the state of the world. I take a walk to clear my head, but I get more steamed by the minute by all the potholes and tollbooths and tax cheats. I get out my soapbox and stand on it so I’m bigger than everyone else, and I shout out to anyone who won’t listen—If I was God, things would be a lot different! The world wouldn’t be such a mess. People wouldn’t be poor, and there’d be no war. There’d be no global warming. Dogs wouldn’t be abandoned. Every NFL game would be on free TV so everyone could watch.
As I was reviewing my life today—yelling at a tech support person after my phone crashed, thinking evil thoughts of our IRS, backstabbing some well-deserving yokel at work—I found myself reflecting on the evil thoughts I was thinking. I felt a stroke of remorse shiver up my undeserving spine. I felt that ol’ dog, guilt, telling me what a shit I’d been. I needed to be punished, that’s what I needed. But the punishment never came. The IRS didn’t audit me. No one yelled back at me over the phone. No one even gossiped about me at work (as far as I know). I wrapped up my period of self-flagellation by telling God that if I was God, I’d never have been as easy on myself as God had been on me today.
Maybe that’s the point. Maybe you only get to be God when you’re ready to handle the responsibility. Maybe you only get the promotion to Godhood when you don’t judge anybody for anything. Maybe the essential job qualification on God’s resume is mercy. That’s why God’s God and I’m not. Since I believe that the world’s in such a mess, I’d wipe it clean and start over. I’m not ready to show mercy to myself. And if I can’t forgive myself, I can’t forgive others. Yet forgiveness is the most divine of attributes. Without forgiveness, God becomes a judge, and compassion decays into retribution. We project our own desire for payback onto God, and God becomes rather Old Testament. With a punishing God up there throwing lightning bolts, we feel guilty and afraid, and run from God in full flight. Eventually, we’ll kill this God off like Nietzsche did. And look where that got him.
So, I guess I’ll give up the soapbox and get back to work on my resume. I need to understand that I’m not an imperfect being trying to reach perfection, but an already whole and perfect being trying to experience the truths one learns from imperfection. Once I fully embrace my imperfection and everyone else’s – the sum total of which make up the world – I begin to know what empathy is, which is what love is. Love is simply hugging the unlovable, the ugly, and the flawed. When I can do that, I’m ready to receive the forgiveness that’s always been waiting for me to uncross my arms and open my fists. Then maybe God will let me have Her job so I can fix all the potholes.
© 2022 by Michael C. Just
Mike’s novel, The Dirt: The Journey of a Mystic Cowboy, is available in softcover or eBook formats through Amazon.
You can purchase the book through this website. Or go straight to amazon at https://www.amazon.com/s?k=the+dirt+journey+of+a+mystic+cowboy&crid=1S40Q4BXSUWJ6&sprefix=the+dirt%3A+journey+of+a+m%2Caps%2C180&ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_23
Mike’s other titles, including The Crippy, The Mind Altar, and Canyon Calls, are available through this website or through Amazon at https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B002
Four of his short stories have recently been published online:
Lies, Ltd. has been published by The Mystery Tribune @ Lies, Ltd.: Literary Short Fiction by Michael C. Just (mysterytribune.com)
The Obligate Carnivore has been published by the Scarlet Leaf Review @ Category: MICHAEL JUST – SCARLET LEAF REVIEW
I See You, Too has been published by the 96th of October @ I See You, Too – 96th of October
Offload, a short story about a man who can heal any disease, is now live and can be read at The Worlds Within at Offload – The Worlds Within